Wednesday, March 23, 2022
Tuesday, March 22, 2022
I lied about my age
Bill, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with an astonishingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all awestruck. They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s, my wife!”
They’re knocked over but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”
Bill says, “I lied about my age.”
His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Monday, March 21, 2022
Sunday, March 20, 2022
Saturday, March 19, 2022
What was your wife's maiden name?
Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.
'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'
'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'
Friday, March 18, 2022
A Baptist Minister, a Rabbi and a Catholic Priest enter the brothel
Two old Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a Catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be dying.
Thursday, March 17, 2022
Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis
I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.
Even at 102, my grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, "Where is the warranty?" I replied, "What do you care Grandma... It has a 25-year warranty!" My Grandma replied, "How do I know the company will be in business that long?" God bless her.
I'm old and still have so many unanswered questions...
I am getting old and still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out... where's the beef... how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and finally, just what is Victoria's secret?
I'll be right down, I'm fine.
This happened at an assisted living center.
The people who live there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.
When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.
Wednesday, March 16, 2022
How the Indian boy got his name
An Indian boy had great respect for Grey Fox, the old Tribal Doctor, who was always busy treating injuries, curing ills, and delivering babies. He always wanted to visit him, but the Doctor was always too busy, until one day Grey Fox granted some time to visit with the boy. "What can I do for you, my Young Warrior?" asked Doctor Grey Fox. "Well," said the boy, "I've always wondered how you named all the Babies you deliver." "It's simple, said the Doctor... whenever I deliver a baby, I immediately step outside the Tepee and look around to see if any natural events are happening." "For example, last month I delivered a healthy baby boy, and when I stepped outside, I saw a Hawk racing down to catch a field mouse. I named the boy "Diving Hawk"! "Earlier this week I delivered a beautiful baby girl, and when I went outside, a young Deer was skipping around the tepees. I named the baby "Prancing Fawn"! "Does that answer your question, Humping Beagle?"
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