Senior Tattoo idea

Turning 80 and thinking about what tattoo to get? You might want to consider your name and address...

You look nice. Where did you go?

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walmart, she replied." 

They misspelled my name

"After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone. “I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?” “Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

Amazingly simple home remedies

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.

2. Avoid agruments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.

3. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to use a timer.

4. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

5. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.

6. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

7. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily thought: Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the

stairs.

Do it almost every night

Two senior citizens were bragging about their sex lives in the elderly homes. "Can you still do it? I have sex with my wife twice a week. How many can you do?" "Oh, I do it almost every night of the week!" "Almost every night?" "Yup! Almost Monday, Almost Tuesday, Almost Wednesday..." 

How can I get into heaven?

(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!" “If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOK'N DEAD."

What are Grandparents?

Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. You'll love it:

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Size 34 underwear

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

The Christmas Invitation

Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’ As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’ ‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too...’ ‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’ ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’ ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’ ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

Gone fishing

 It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” “What was that?” the old man asked. Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” “Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying sonny.” The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm!”

Where did you go?

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walgreens," she replied."

Why doses the pig only have one leg?

A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well, I’ll tell ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!” “Well, that’s really great but why does the pig only have one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at once.

 

I've got good news and bad news

An aging artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news for you," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The buyer was your doctor."

I lied about my age

Bill, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with an astonishingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all awestruck. They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s, my wife!”

They’re knocked over but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

Bill says, “I lied about my age.”

His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

What was your wife's maiden name?

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

A Baptist Minister, a Rabbi and a Catholic Priest enter the brothel

Two old Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a Catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be dying.

I'm old and still have so many unanswered questions...

I am getting old and still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out... where's the beef... how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and finally, just what is Victoria's secret?

I'll be right down, I'm fine.

This happened at an assisted living center.

The people who live there have small apartments, but they all eat at a central cafeteria. One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast so my wife went upstairs and knocked on his door to see if everything was OK. She could hear him through the door, and he said that he was running late and would be down shortly, so she went back to the dining area.

An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up towards his room and she found him on the stairs. He was coming down the stairs but was having a hell of time. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work right. She told him she was going to call an ambulance, but he told her no, he wasn't in any pain and just wanted to have his breakfast. So, she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs, and he had his breakfast.

When he tried to return to his room, he was completely unable to get up even the first step, so they called an ambulance for him. A couple hours later she called the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist there said he was fine, he just had both of his legs in one leg of his boxer shorts.

How the Indian boy got his name

An Indian boy had great respect for Grey Fox, the old Tribal Doctor, who was always busy treating injuries, curing ills, and delivering babies. He always wanted to visit him, but the Doctor was always too busy, until one day Grey Fox granted some time to visit with the boy. "What can I do for you, my Young Warrior?" asked Doctor Grey Fox. "Well," said the boy, "I've always wondered how you named all the Babies you deliver." "It's simple, said the Doctor... whenever I deliver a baby, I immediately step outside the Tepee and look around to see if any natural events are happening." "For example, last month I delivered a healthy baby boy, and when I stepped outside, I saw a Hawk racing down to catch a field mouse. I named the boy "Diving Hawk"! "Earlier this week I delivered a beautiful baby girl, and when I went outside, a young Deer was skipping around the tepees. I named the baby "Prancing Fawn"! "Does that answer your question, Humping Beagle?"

The bagpiper and the old homeless man.

 A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for an old, homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be held at a cemetery in the country. The bagpiper had stopped playing funerals, recently, but the story of this poor man's death made him agree to play. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the area, he got lost and being a proud man, didn’t ask for directions.

Finally, an hour late, he arrived, and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There was only the digging crew left, and they were eating lunch. He felt very bad and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this poor, old man with no family and friends. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept, together.

When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he was approached by the crew's foreman: “Sir, I want to thank you for your performance here, today. I've never experienced anything like that, before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for the last twenty years!"