Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

Even at 102, my grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, "Where is the warranty?" I replied, "What do you care Grandma... It has a 25-year warranty!" My Grandma replied, "How do I know the company will be in business that long?" God bless her.

Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

 

Now that I am older, my cardiologist, advised me to watch my diet. Now I avoid eating healthy natural foods because I read somewhere that most people die of natural causes. I'll have a double Whopper now please!

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I may be old, but I'm pretty sure I know how the hell to get out of my neighborhood.

Ya wanna know the secret to our long marriage? Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on Fridays. Every now and then we also have a "Getaway Weekend." She'll be back first thing Monday morning.

Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

Lately my wife and I fight constantly. I've been so upset and depressed, I've lost 20 pounds. My friend said to me "Arthur, if it's that bad, why don't you leave her?" I told him "I'd like to lose another 15 pounds first."

I'm sitting at the breakfast table this morning when my wife says to me "I finally realized something... for years I've been saying, I'm not a morning person. Then I realized it has nothing to do with morning. It's you Arthur!"

My wife looked at me the other day and said, "You're getting fat Arthur!" I told her I'd like to get a second opinion. She said, "Step on the scale."

Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

I was listening to the radio when I hear the weather report" A snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd-numbered side of the street." So I got up, dressed and moved my car to the right side. Two days later - the same thing. "A snow emergency has been declared - please park your cars on the even-numbered side of the street." Again I had to get all bundled up, go outside in the cold and find another spot. A week later they announce that a foot of snow is coming. "This is bull shit!" I said, I'm just gonna leave my car in the garage this time.

I can't say anything to my wife without her thinking it's a criticism of her weight. She hasn't spoken to me in two days now because I asked her to "Lighten up a little bit."

Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

My wife caught me switching the TV between a fishing show and a good porn movie this morning. She came over to me and said "Honey, you might as well just watch that old porn movie. You already know how to fish."

Went to one of them Starbucks places and ordered a decaf cappuccino. The guy told me we only sell regular cappuccino. I said "Okay, I'll have one of those. Just give me your phone number so I have somebody to talk to when I can't sleep tonight."

Who is your real friend? This really works...! If you don't believe me, just try this experiment. Put your dog and your old lady in the trunk of your car for about an hour. When you open the trunk, which one is really happy to see you?