Why doses the pig only have one leg?

A travelling salesman came upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg. The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him. “Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman. “Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did.” “Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.” “Well, I’ll tell ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!” “Well, that’s really great but why does the pig only have one leg?” “Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at once.

 

I've got good news and bad news

An aging artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news for you," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?" With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The buyer was your doctor."

I'm still playing with a full deck...

 

You owe me for the years, not the minutes!

I Support Gray Marriage

Photo courtesy of: Depositphotos

The paleontologist will see you now

Cartoon with permission and courtesy of: DT Walsh

 

I lied about my age

Bill, a 70-year-old extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with an astonishingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful appeal and outright charm while hanging over Bills arm and listening intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club are all awestruck. They corner him and ask, “Bill how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”

Bill replies, “Girlfriend? She’s, my wife!”

They’re knocked over but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

Bill says, “I lied about my age.”

His friends respond, “What do you mean? Did you tell her you were only 50?”

Bill smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”

That "Check Engine" light is gonna come on.

Over 60? This will be your new calendar.

 

Coming soon to a gas station near you

Grandpa's tattoo

Grannies Spoiler Alert!

Have you seen Mrs Brown's Boys - A BBC Comedy series

What was your wife's maiden name?

Two elderly guests, Martin and Chris, attended a party given by a business associate to mark his daughter's engagement to a man she had been living with for three years, were grumbling about the decline in moral standards.

'All these people sleeping together before they're married,' Martin muttered indignantly. 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married. Did you?'

'I don't know,' answered Chris thoughtfully. 'What was her maiden name?'

How come you never say you love me anymore?

A Baptist Minister, a Rabbi and a Catholic Priest enter the brothel

Two old Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street. They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.” Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.” Then they see a Catholic Priest enter the brothel, and one of the Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity… one of the girls must be dying.

DORITOS - Funny Commercial - Grandma & Baby

I've got wine for dinner.

 

Senior Chat with Arthur Ritis

I'm reaching out on behalf of an old golf buddy of mine who needs some help! His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her some diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Let me know if you can help.

Even at 102, my grandmother is confident she will live a long life. Recently, I bought her a brand new (although off-brand) sewing machine. She asked me, "Where is the warranty?" I replied, "What do you care Grandma... It has a 25-year warranty!" My Grandma replied, "How do I know the company will be in business that long?" God bless her.

I'm old and still have so many unanswered questions...

I am getting old and still have so many unanswered questions!!!! I never found out who let the Dogs Out... where's the beef... how to get to Sesame Street... why Dora doesn't just use Google Maps... why eggs are packaged in a flimsy paper carton, but batteries are secured in plastic that's tough as nails... why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed... why "abbreviated" is such a long word... why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor yet dish-washing liquid is made with real lemons... why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections... and, why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts" where's that extra penny going to... why do The Alphabet Song and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star have the same tune... why did you just try to sing those two previous songs... and finally, just what is Victoria's secret?