Show him your card, smartass.

A Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road that's going through here.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.' The Highways employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on your farmland.' So, the old farmer went about his chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!!'

Another man asks the old farmer near the field, “Excuse me sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The old farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you might even catch the 4:11 train.”

Do you think I’m getting younger?

“Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year," she replied. "You have to fill them out every year." “Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

The war is over

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Be careful. Watch out for Freudian Slips.

I brought you some flowers honey.

Photo courtesy of Depositphotos.com

The man, the myth, the legend!

Credit for this goes to our friends at: Truck Warrior on Facebook

Why doesn't Covid affect Amish people? They don't have TV's.

 

An Amish couple drove several miles down a country road in their buggy, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked, “Relatives of yours?” “Yep,” the husband replied, “In-laws!

Hydraulic backspin brakes

Grandma goes out to buy a car. The salesman says, I recommend this one. Grandma asks why. The salesman says, “Because it has hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you.” He drives the car 100 miles an hour toward a brick wall, and when he’s 100 feet away he jams on the brakes. They stop a foot from the wall. The salesman says, “Do you smell that?” Grandma takes a sniff and says, “Uh-huh.” The salesman says proudly, “That’s hydraulic backspin brakes.” That night when grandpa gets home, grandma says, “Dear, I bought a car.” Grandpa asks, “How did you decide which kind to buy?” She says, “I bought one with hydraulic backspin brakes. Get in and I’ll show you. They get in, and she drives 100 miles an hour toward the same brick wall. When they are 100 feet away from it, she jams on the brakes, and they suddenly stop one foot from the wall. Grandma looks over at grandpa and says, “Do you smell that?” Grandpa says, “I ought to! I’m sitting in it.”

Bert's new boots

An elderly couple Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas. Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, 'Notice anything different about me?' Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'  Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'  Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!'  Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?'  'Nope', she replied.  'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'  Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

 

Bartender, there's a fly in my beer!

A millionaire, a hard hat, and an old drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the old drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

Paddy & Mick go Moose hunting, again.

Paddy & Mick, two retired old geezers, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick," Any idea where we are?" Mick replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

I've changed my will three times already

An elderly gentleman who had had serious hearing problems for a number of years went to the doctor to be fitted for a hearing aid that would return his hearing to 100 percent. The elderly gentleman went back for further tests a month later and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.” To which the gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

The Insemination Man is coming today.

Mary, a blonde city girl, marries an older New Zealand dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, old farmer John says to Mary, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?' So, then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Mary takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one... right here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy old blonde gal, the man asks, 'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?' That's simple. By the nail over its stall', Mary explains very confidently. Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?' She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your trousers on.'

How do you tell when you're close to the ground?

An old blind man was describing his favorite sport - parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go." "But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground", he answered. "But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered, "Oh that?" The dog's leash goes slack!"

Prescription says NO REFILLS!

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true, she wanted to know, that the medication you prescribed for me is to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the older woman replied, "I'm wondering then, just how serious is my condition, because this prescription is marked NO REFILLS!"

 

Senior Citizen Classified Ads

Actual Senior Citizen Classified Ads:

Long-Term Commitment: Recent widow who has just buried fourth husband looking for someone to round out a six-unit plot. Dizziness, fainting, shortness of breath not a problem.

Serenity Now: I am into solitude, long walks, sunrises, the ocean, Yoga and meditation. If you are the silent type, let's get together, take our hearing aids out and enjoy quiet times.

Winning Smile: Active grandmother with original teeth seeking a dedicated flosser to share rare steaks, corn on the cob and caramel candy.

Mint Condition: Male, 1922, high mileage, good condition, some hair, many new parts including hip, knee, cornea, valves. Isn't in running condition, but walks well.

Memories: I can usually remember Monday through Thursday. If you can remember Friday, Saturday and Sunday, let's put our two heads together.

Grandma was feeling lonely on her 70th birthday

Last week Miss Smith checked into a motel on her 70th birthday and she was a bit lonely. She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages." She looked through the phone book, found a full- page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony - a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, a dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a sixpence off his well-oiled bum... She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call. "Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you?" Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy! Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, "Hi, I saw your ad in the yellow pages and understand you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything. I'm ready!! Now how does that sound?" He said, "That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to dial “9” for an outside line Miss Smith."

Why did you shoot the man 6 times?

Last Thursday night, an elderly woman from Houston, Texas was arrested, jailed, and charged with manslaughter for shooting a man 6 times in the back as he was running away with her purse. The following Monday morning, the old lady was called in front of the arraignment judge, sworn in, and asked to explain her actions. The woman replied, "Your Honor, I was standing at the corner bus stop for about 15 minutes, waiting for the bus to take me home. I had just cashed my social security check at the bank earlier in the day. I was there alone, so I had my right hand on my pistol that my late husband gave me for protection, that was in my purse, that was hung over my left shoulder. All of a sudden I was being spun around hard to my left. As I caught my balance, I saw a man running away from me with my purse. I looked down at my right hand and I saw that my fingers were wrapped tightly around my pistol. The next thing I remember is saying out loud, "No way punk! You're not stealing my money." "I raised my right shaking hand, pointed my pistol at the man running away from me with my purse, and squeezed the trigger of my pistol 6 times!" When asked by the arraignment judge, "Why did you shoot the man 6 times?" The woman replied, under oath, "Because, when I pulled the trigger the 7th time, it only went click." The woman was acquitted of all charges. Don't mess with old folks ya hear.