Tuesday, March 15, 2022

The bagpiper and the old homeless man.

 A bagpiper was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for an old, homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be held at a cemetery in the country. The bagpiper had stopped playing funerals, recently, but the story of this poor man's death made him agree to play. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the area, he got lost and being a proud man, didn’t ask for directions.

Finally, an hour late, he arrived, and saw the funeral director had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There was only the digging crew left, and they were eating lunch. He felt very bad and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down to see the vault lid already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this poor, old man with no family and friends. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept, together.

When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he was approached by the crew's foreman: “Sir, I want to thank you for your performance here, today. I've never experienced anything like that, before, and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for the last twenty years!"

A thank you note that will warm your heart.

As we get older, we think differently, don't we? This letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind .... especially if you are familiar with the elderly and their ways!


Dear Lincoln Elementary,

God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Springer Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked me if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass.

Sincerely, Agnes

Sunday, March 13, 2022

Love & Marriage - Senior Style

Mark Lynch Cartoon
Cartoon courtesy of Mark Lynchwww.cartoons-a-plenty.com

 

Show him your card, smartass.

A Department of Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road that's going through here.' The old farmer said, 'OK, but don't go in that field.' The Highways employee said, 'I have the authority of the State of Minnesota to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on your farmland.' So, the old farmer went about his chores. Later, he heard loud screams and saw the Department of Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step. The old farmer called out, 'Show him your card, smartass!!'

Another man asks the old farmer near the field, “Excuse me sir, would you mind if I crossed your field instead of going around it? You see, I have to catch the 4:23 train.” The old farmer says, “Sure, go right ahead. And if my bull sees you, you might even catch the 4:11 train.”

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

The computer crashed again


Tim Whyatt, cartoon
Photo courtesy of Cartoonist, Tim Whyatt

Do you think I’m getting younger?

Just as she was celebrating her 80th birthday, our friend received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to remind them that she was exempt because of her age. “You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said. “But I filled them out last year," she replied. "You have to fill them out every year." “Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"

Monday, March 7, 2022

The war is over

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic." The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that." "There is more to tell, Father.. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays." The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven." "Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question." "And what is that?" asked the priest. "Should I tell her the war is over?"

Turn the freakin' pipeline on!

 

Joe Biden, Chris Farley, Pipeline