How can I get into heaven?

(A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher)

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?" Again, the answer was "NO!" “If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?" Again, they all answered "NO!" I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?" A little boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOK'N DEAD."

What are Grandparents?

Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds. You'll love it:

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of their own. They like other peoples.'

A grandfather is a man & a grandmother is a lady!

Grandparents don't have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn't play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the shops and give us money.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the colours of the flowers and also why we shouldn't step on 'cracks.'

They don't say, 'Hurry up.'

Usually grandmothers are fat but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don't have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like 'Why isn't God married?' and 'How come dogs chase cats?'

When they read to us, they don't skip. They don't mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don't have television because they are the only grownups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack time before bed time, and they say prayers with us and kiss us even when we've acted bad.

A 6-YEAR-OLD WAS ASKED WHERE HIS GRANDMA LIVED. ''OH,'' HE SAID, ''SHE LIVES AT THE AIRPORT, AND WHEN WE WANT HER, WE JUST GO GET HER. THEN WHEN WE'RE DONE HAVING HER VISIT, WE TAKE HER BACK TO THE AIRPORT.''

GRANDPA IS THE SMARTEST MAN ON EARTH! HE TEACHES ME GOOD THINGS, BUT I DON'T GET TO SEE HIM ENOUGH TO GET AS SMART AS HIM!

It's funny when they bend over; you hear gas leaks, and they blame their dog.

Size 34 underwear

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said. Joe tried on the suit.. it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck." Joe was surprised, That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years. Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure." The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second Opinion - PRICELESS

The Christmas Invitation

Mick had been in Police work for 35 years. Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. ‘Name’s Cliff, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00….’ ‘Great’, says Mick, ‘after six months out here I’m ready to meet some local folks Thank you.’ As Cliff is leaving, he stops. ‘Gotta warn you. Be some drinking’…’ ‘Not a problem’ says Mick. ‘After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of ‘em’. Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. ‘More ‘n’ likely gonna be some fighting’ too...’ ‘Well, I get along with people, I’ll be all right!. I’ll be there. Thanks again.’ ‘More’n likely be some wild sex, too,’ ‘Now that’s really not a problem’ says Mick, warming to the idea. ‘I’ve been all alone for six months! I’ll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?’ ‘Don’t much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.’

Next Year's Oscars Host

Gone fishing

 It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass. The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?” The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.” “What was that?” the old man asked. Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.” “Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying sonny.” The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm!”

Old leprechaun toilet paper holder

 

Unfinished business

New Category - Bumper Stickers

All Bumper Stickers featured here are for sale in my Geezer Shop. Have a look around, there are over 100 humorous bumper stickers for sale: Please visit my Cafe Press Geezer Shop: Click Here

Mansour Bahrami: Best Trick Shots & Funny Moments!

Mansour Bahrami is the most charismatic tennis player who has mastered the trick shots. His magic on a tennis court has made legendary players like John McEnroe and Bjorn Borg to regard him as "genius" and "legend", respectively. In reference to his showmanship, his 2009 English-language autobiography was titled The Court Jester.

Can't wait to get home

 

Born to be wild

96-year-old woman is a dancing machine!

3D Animated Short: "Never Without My Denture"

Ahh, the good old days.

 

Levitation secret revealed

 

Bird watching

 

First time at the spa

Cartoon with permission and courtesy of Tim Whyatt

 

Where did you go?

"For my grandmother's 80th birthday, we had a huge family celebration and even managed to get a photo announcement printed in the local paper. "That was a nice shot," I commented.

"It's my passport picture," she revealed.

"Really?" I stared in amazement at my homebody grandma. "Where did you go?"

"Walgreens," she replied."

Getting old isn't so bad...